Monday, 15 September 2014

Dating Advice Blogs, Websites & Books

Since I've been reading as much as I can on dating in the 21st Century, plus how men and women see each other, I thought I'd put a list together.

Blogs:

Cija Black: This woman has put together an amazing website with podcast to help women be stronger and better daters. If you want to know what you're doing wrong and how to find that elusive quality man, check out her website and podcast.

The Rules Revisited : This male blogger has been analyzing his dating experience and has some really interesting insights into the differences between men and women and how they view each other. I found his writing style easy to follow and his insights mostly right on the money. He is an intelligent individual with some good points on modern day romance.

Finding Love: A collection of articles written on Psychology Today's website about dating, love and the different sexes. Really insightful look at the science and psychology behind the gender connection game.


Dating Books:

Toxic Men:  A good book organizing the toxic behaviours of different types of men. What I did learn from this book was that women have similar toxic behaviours that can bring out the worst in certain men. Toxic types can match up and be happy others match up and become codependent, still others match up and it's WW III. The book is filled with insightful advice that will make you think about your own behaviour and they type of man that is best suited for you.

The 30 day Love Detox: OK well I'm reading this one now... So far it's pretty old fashioned advice... Don't sleep with the guy in the first 30 days of dating and make him court you... My BFF swears by the advice in this book and she's always got a man or three taking her out on real dates and begging her to commit to them. So I'm giving it a chance....


Online Dating Sites:

Plenty of Fish: Since this online dating site is free it is more about quantity of choices than actual quality. You have to throw back a lot of minnows before you catch sight of anything decent. However, it is free and you will have a lot of men/women to chose from.

OK Cupid: Another free site. I like this one better because it has literally thousands of questions to answer about your values, dating ideals, sex preferences, lifestyle, and beliefs. The algorithm then matches your profile with other profiles bases on a % of acceptable and unacceptable answers. You can then go through and see how the potential date answered questions to see if there are any deal breakers. The site is getting more popular and once again, it's free so there is a lot to chose from.

Match.com: This is one where you have to pay in order to communicate. You can set up a profile for free and peruse the site, but you have to pay to communicate. There are lots of profiles to look at but few that you can communicate with. So although it looks like there are lots of potential daters, not all of them are subscribers. The fact that it's a paid site should mean that there is more quality. I did not find that to be the case. I received very few messages and those I did receive were the same quality of men as the ones I'd met on the free sites.

eharmony.com: I had heard great things about this site and the quality of guys on it so I signed up. I didn't find that the quality was any better and the few dates I did finally end up on.  The communication process is slow and scripted with questions you answer to see if you want to continue on finding out more about the person. You finally get through the process and end up having a conversation.  Guys were more ready to meet in the real wold I found, but in the end were no better than the guys I met on POF and OKC.

Zoosk: Horrible... My least favourite site... Although I never tried the new timber site which I'm sure is worse than this one.....




Tuesday, 26 August 2014

Mommy Issues Much? Bad Date & Online Predator

As I work in coffee shops sometimes I usually arrange for guys to stop by to meet in the real world. Most times they are nice normal guys but something about me either puts them off or there is something about them. The last guy showed up and immediately began telling me how mad he was at his sisters because they wouldn't help him take care of his elderly mother. Odd, considering in most families it's the daughters who step up, but a good sign that he stepped up. A guy who takes care of his mother... A good thing right?

Yeah, until he started telling me how upset he was because her care giver kept making sure she took walks and now she's healthier than when he'd moved in. They told him she'd be dead soon and that's why he agreed to move in with her and he was upset because she was still alive.... Hmmmm and he wondered why I didn't respond when he said he wanted to see me again.

I'm a bored forty something year old woman and as you already know, a little on the more open side of talking about sex. This morning I was chatting online with a nice guy, he claimed to be a cosmetic surgeon who owned his own practice. Maybe his dad is the doctor because this kid certainly wasn't. He asked me to call him and I did, easier than typing.

The minute I'm on the phone he's belligerent telling me that ladies are boring and who'd want to date a lady anyway. What seemed like a nice successful guy online turned into a prick and an abuser of the first order, with a twist.... Mommy issues....

Right away from the way he talked it was obvious he was in his twenties and not educated. As usual I listened and answered sex questions that by now are normal. There's my wake up call.... or at least should be.... when did sex questions from strangers become mundane and normal?....

This kid was a piece of work and like others started jerking off. It was the manipulation of his words that I found interesting. He had statistics worked out, he usually didn't get hard with 75% of women but the 25% got him rock hard.... When he found those he pursed them because B*T*Hes were the best. His method sounded chaotic, but as I looked back on it was strategically planned to see what I would put up with and how much he could disrespect me.
  • His friends that are nice don't get any woman, but those that were disrespectful and rude did. It wasn't fair that he had to be like that to get women because he really was a nice guy. 
  • He made a promise that he would treat 'the one' like a lady
  • He made a comments to make me feel I was being rude to him if I said something he didn't like
  • He made a comment about dropping a woman off at Niagra if she didn't please him
  • He made more promises about how he would treat the 'right' one
  • He mixed compliments with rude disrespectful behaviour 
  • He talked fast and pushed the conversation to where he wanted it, which in this instance ended with his happy ending....
He obviously has a huge mommy issue. I asked if he was talking on his cell while driving and if so I'd let him go. He got angry and accused me of mothering him and he didn't need a mother, how dare I? He was an educated man who could do what he wanted.

I wanted to see where this would go, mainly cause I was bored and attention is attention after all.... He came up with some fantasy that I agreed to be a part of and he kept going on about how I was one of the special ones because he usually didn't feel so turned on so fast. Using the you're special line. Except how special is someone who you don't know and doesn't care at all about you or whether or not they are special to you?

In the end he came.... They usually always do.... But he screamed out that he hated me as he did.... At first I thought that very odd, but I guess it's better than the whole I love you thing.... Cause how could he either love or hate me? I mean I don't know the guy, he's a voice on the other end of the phone....
The conversation ended and I went on with my day without a second thought about the kid who wanted to enact some stupid fantasy to get his rocks off.... Then he emailed me....

Basically he was taunting me telling me how stupid I was for letting him disrespect me and that if I'd been a lady I'd of hung up the phone. He's right. However, I never claimed to be a lady. I never once said I lived in the land of should and I don't apologize for it.

Here's his last email to me after I said I was a writer researching abusers and predators in the online dating world:

LOL I wrote the book. Easy Women on POF. I did nothing but disrespect you cause you portrayed yourself as such. Obviously this is no way to talk to a lady. A lady don’t talk about threesomes. She hang up the phone. I had no respect for you and you still talked to me. I love it. I slept with exactly 303 women. It’s really high I know. I’m clean get checked. 250 in real life the rest on pof. nothing but single moms looking for love and usuing sex to get it. LOL. I love life. you are stupid. Trust me you even know it. 

Maybe I am stupid. I want to shine a light on online predators, how they talk, how they manipulate, and how they sucker women in. Maybe this guy did get a good laugh, but who is sadder? Me? Him? 

Who feels the need to use mothers the way he does, to make fools of them? What did his mother do to him to make him feel better by making others feel bad? I have love in my life. He doesn't and probably never will considering how many empty experiences he's had trying to make himself feel better by hurting single mothers. 

I knew that he wasn't a 40 year old doctor the minute he opened his mouth on the phone. Educated people talk a certain way. Older men's voices are rougher and richer. Words are my domain and how someone speaks says a lot about them. I knew he wasn't who he'd claimed to be before he let the cat out of the bag. 

What I find sad is that he finds so much pleasure in making single mothers feel terrible. 

How does his joke, game, immaturity effect my life? They don't.... They just give me more material for this blog and my book... Cause every abuser, predator, etc is going into those pages so that others can study how they talk, think, and use their words to manipulate others. 

Even with my eyes wide open I can be pulled in to the manipulations of a predator.... I can just picture Marc having a good laugh at my expense.... That would effect me.... I know that he isn't who he claimed to be. I know that he isn't the man behind the words... I fell for words.... Words on a screen.... The man who wrote those words is nobody.... Still, I hope I would have meant at least a little something to him. 

Monday, 25 August 2014

Bad Date -- It isn't a Funny Story, Why are you Laughing?

I went on a date with this guy I've been talking to for a bit through messages, then texts, then on the phone... Seemed like a nice enough guy. Smart etc. I was looking forward to meeting him finally and having a drink or two.

Well.... His first question was why did I become a writer.

The answer has to do with meeting a survivor of a war in the nineties. His story touched me as it was one of survival during a very difficult time. He survived starvation, a long trek through the wilderness, wild animals, sickness, gunfire and bomb attacks. In no way was this man's story funny, it was tragic and inspirational.

As I related this story to my date he laughed and made jokes about animals growing big and fat that year. He laughed at my story line and the plot of my novel. My work. My creative expression.

I get that tragic serious stories can make some people uncomfortable, but to make jokes? To laugh at the plot and make fun of it?

He never called or contacted me after that date .... And I was relieved.

Saturday, 16 August 2014

Can I Stop Being A Submissive Woman?

I've come to terms with being a submissive woman. That doesn't mean I want to be one. However, the question is, can I change?

Can I have normal desires? Or must I always be controlled by a dominant man to feel that rush of lust?

I know that those within the dominant / submissive lifestyle will say that there is nothing wrong with being a submissive... However, that is not my experience. How is constantly seeing to the desires and wants of someone else who constantly tests your love for them is good? It only reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough. How is allowing someone to treat you like an object, a toy, a thing, is a good thing? I end up feeling used, uncared for, and unlovable. It only confirms my belief that I don't deserve to be loved.

I need more than any dominant man is willing to give me... I need to be loved for me... I need to matter... I need to feel protected, cared for, cherished, and loved. However, these are not traits I've seen in any of the Dominant men I've met. They are all too selfish and caught up in an ideal game that they cannot see me, support me, or love me. I am nothing to them.

I just don't seem to get it right. I'm not a good enough submissive for dominant men. I try, I try my best but it's never good enough to get what I really need in return, and it's not some stupid orgasm.... That's all they seem to have to offer me.... That's all they think I'm good for....

They are very willing to try to convince me they are better then anyone else out there. That they can give me what I need. That they are not abusers. That they are the real thing and treat their subs with the respect they deserve, they care for them, protect them, and give them what they need.... Right up until they get what they want.... Then they turn. Turn ugly. Say mean things to me. Make demands of me with no regard for what I want or who I really am. They toss me aside like I'm nothing to them, but demand that they be everything to me. I am left alone... Ignored... Until they want to play again and if I say I'm busy or NO... Then suddenly I'm not submissive enough for them.

After talking with submissive women, and submissive men, I am firmly of the belief that they are so beaten down they think they deserve to be treated badly. That they have to be treated a certain way in order to be accepted, in order to get any attention, to be cared for.

When a man is kind to me, does extra nice things, I feel bad about myself to the point that I want to cry.   That is so 'not' a normal response. Why shouldn't I deserve to be treated with kindness, care, and generosity? Why does a kind man make me hurt emotionally to the point of tears?

When a man is mean, puts me down, and ignores me, I feel bad, but a comfortable bad. It's like I feel better, calmer, normal, by feeling small, weak, and insignificant. I don't feel like crying. I don't hurt emotionally like I do when someone is nice to me. I feel normal in my self loathing. I firmly believe I don't deserve any better. I just want to sit in a corner and hide. When a dominant man tells me I've got to do better, I try harder to please him, knowing I won't please him. Knowing I don't matter.

I don't want to be this person. I want to be my other self.... My strong, independent, intelligent self. Why can't I matter? Why can't I feel that I deserve to be loved? How can I change my mind set?

I wish I knew the answers. I wish it was easy to get my heart to believe what my head keeps telling it. I wish that at my core I was not a submissive woman. I wish I was a kick butt woman.

Online Date Site Review - POF

Plenty of Fish ... An apt name for a dating site.

I've met a few guys in the real world off the Plenty of Fish website. It's free to join and as a result has a large selection of available men and women. The search default is local profiles. I rarely ever received a message from someone who wasn't from my local area.

Those members who are online are identified making it easy to know if the person you are interested in talking to is online or not.

Matching isn't the best on POF. There is a questionnaire to fill out, which is supposed to help with suggested matches and provides a very generalized horoscope type report about the person and their relationship needs. Very long and boring, not something I read all the way through for myself, let alone a potential date.

Most of the guys were looking to hook up or just chat forever. Some started out respectful but soon became very inappropriate horny boys looking for online interaction to jerk off to. They pretended to care about who I am but really their questions about how I am or what I am up to were just polite conversation.

The odd quality guy does pop up on the site.... but you have to be a certain image or person to attract them.... and they don't stay on the site for long.... There are so few respectful, successful men looking for a real relationship that they are quickly scoped up.

Most profiles are not very well put together. The photos are terrible, the write ups sparse or rambling. The site does offer tips and a video of how to create the best profile, but few actually follow their advice. If you read women's profiles you can tell they are tired of receiving rude messages and inappropriate requests. Men's profiles usually request that you have images if you're going to contact them.

Plenty of Fish is a catalog of profiles. It's the meat market in print. How one looks is of utmost importance. It works well for young, good looking, successful people.... If a person is not photogenic or is flawed in some way physically, they can be ignored or rejected quite easily.

The messaging system is archaic. It's email like and it is hard to chat online with anyone. There is no IM feature and you have to refresh the page to see if you received a response back. It makes it very hard to have a conversation with someone...

The nice feature of the Plenty of Fish message system is it's filters.... Any dirty talk in a message stops it from being sent to a recipient... well unless they sender uses *@*^ characters or spaces between letters.  Still it's the only site I've come across where they are trying to weed out the smut talking idiots.

Any photos or messages that are inappropriate result in the whole profile being deleted. They are at least trying to keep their site respectable.

I've met people in the real world who found love on Plenty of Fish. Some found someone right away, while others, took a lot longer. Being a free site, it has a huge selection of men and women to chose from.

Have you tried Plenty of Fish in your search for love? Did you find love? What was your opinion about the site? Leave your comments...




Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Update - Single Life is Great!

I mentioned I have been busy... too busy to write.... Which since I'm trying to launch myself as a writer is not a good thing. However, my life has become so wonderful there is no doubt in my mind that there is a God and he is watching out for me, protecting me, and providing for me.

In June I was travelling from one end of the continent to the other for work because I was offered a promotion, which of course I accepted. The better money has enabled me to find a better place and the timing couldn't have been better as my lease was coming to an end. I found a much better rental and it feels like a home where both my children can live with me... I'm still sleeping on the couch, but who needs a room....

My son travelled to Africa and I was busy trying to settle the details and find the last of the money and guess what... $700 arrived in the mail from the tax man of all people. It was enough to get the supplies so he could go.

I filed court papers... and then put the case aside because yes, once again I allowed my ex to manipulate and bully me into doing things his way.... I did get an $100 a month out of him.

I don't trust the courts. I don't trust him. I am trusting in God.... an entity I know is there I just can't see. Maybe I'm nuts, but with the way my situation has been turning around lately, I don't think rushing into court may be in my best interest... His income has slid in the last year and a half, whereas mine has doubled. Add that to the fact that my son isn't living predominately with me yet, I don't want to end up paying him child support or having the courts say that I have to force my daughter to go there 50% of the time....

That's my logic anyway....

So as you can see my life has been getting better every time I turn around.

My son even mentioned that I'm looking younger and happier than before, while my ex is looking tired and older.  I'll take that thanks....

I'm happy. My life is drama free for the most part. I'm healing and finding out more about why I have attracted and gravitated towards abusive men.... I need to understand this deep need I seem to have to be controlled by others and then hopefully I can break it and find a new path.....

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Men on Online Dating sites Erode Women's Self Esteem

It's been almost a month since I've posted anything and so much has happened.... I've been so busy but I'll post more about that later.

I am taking a break from online dating. Considering this is supposed to be an exercise in online dating, why am I taking an extended break? Because, I'm finding that the way men talk to me online is eroding my self esteem, which was low to begin with.

Guys who talk smut online with women are looking to get a need filled, what they don't realize is what it does to a woman. Well, if they do know they don't care. I am of the belief that men just don't care about how their need to get their rocks off ruins woman's self esteem. Most men are too selfish to care if their words or actions hurt a woman... As long as they are getting what they want then hey, what's the harm?

The harm.... As I am discovering, talking smut to a women causes them to feel that's all they are good for. That who they are doesn't matter and they are not deserving of love. Those woman who are smart enough to shut these jerks down keep their self esteem intact and find real love because they find that odd 'Good' guy who will respect them, cherish them, protect them, and love them.

Those women who engage these horny jerks only confirm to themselves that they aren't worthy of love or respect. In the last seven months I have talked online with hundreds of men and allowed them to talk to me in whatever matter they deemed appropriate.... most went directly to sex... Especially the dominant men.

Dominant men seem to gravitate to my profile. Their sexual questions and comments have done nothing but destroy me. They have only confirmed what I already believed... They only care about themselves and don't care about the woman they want to dominate. How she feels or how she feels about herself doesn't matter at all. They spill out lie after lie and empty promises to get what they want and then humiliate, ignore, or grind the woman down.

I believe the books 50 shades of grey and those written on that topic are dangerous for woman who have been abused by men in the past. Women who don't love themselves enough to demand a man treat them right. Or women who are lonely and just want someone to love them.

Seven months in the meat market of Online Dating with the large portion of Dominant men finding their way into my message box is long enough for now.... I am miserable. I am beginning to hate myself and see myself as unworthy of love, respect, or care..... The reason... Men only want to pound me and few care anything about me, my life, my situation, or my struggles....

I have survived enough abuse in my life... Recently, I have put more space between me and my abusers,  however, I'm finding that men online are only more than willing to replace them.

Maybe men don't understand how talking smut and looking at women like pieces of meat  to pound results in their self hatred... hurt... and depression.... Or maybe they do know and they just don't care.