Monday, 30 June 2014

Being Single Changes Outlook

As a married woman I never considered things like going on vacation alone, partying or getting a tattoo. Now that I am single I find myself considering things I never would have considered just six months ago. Like getting a Tattoo... Not that I know what I would even get.

Since becoming single I have started drinking more, smoked the odd cigarette, invited a man into my home for adult fun, and started acting like I did when I was 20 years old. All of which I thought were insane things for any woman out there to do. Especially one that was 40 years old.

My narrow view point of morality is changing.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Single at a Wedding

I went to my brother’s wedding last weekend. It was amazing. The run up was disorganized mess and I thought my parents were going to loose their minds with the irrational details that were coming at them right up to 15 minutes before the Bride was supposed to be walking down the aisle. However, like with most disorganized Bride’s she was thankfully late and everyone had time to get ready. 

The wedding was perfect. They had picked a gorgeous setting over looking the lake our family has been vacationing at for generations and an old rustic community hall, which fit their rustic design theme perfectly. 

I took pictures of the preparations, the decorative details everyone had spent so much time on, and the guests as they enjoyed the day. These photos’ were my gift to them, well that and over $100 of David’s tea products. Once the ceremony started everything fell into place and everyone had a good time playing games, visiting, and of course drinking. I knew very few people outside of family members there. My brother has a good group of friends whom love him and know how to party.

For me the event was bitter in a few ways. 

First, I’m in the middle of a divorce and had just served my ex with court papers. He went ballistic and things between us are worse than ever. My kids were with me and they were mixed on whether they wanted to stay or go back and stay with their dad while I went away for work and a much needed holiday. The kids were feeling the hurt just as much as I was and their frowns and upset faces touched me deeply. 

Second, would be the day before the festivities I was reading the guest list, and thankfully I read it before the wedding because they had invited my uncle. My uncle who started my sexual issues when I was two. Usually, my mother lets me know when he’ll be around and I can mentally prepare myself. Yes, I do go to visit with my aunt when he is at their cabin, however, I have mentally prepared myself for the encounter. This time it felt like my brother had stabbed me in the side. 

Third, I said hello to my brother five or more times and did not get one hello back, not even an acknowledgement. Now he was stressed, it was his wedding after all.... However, I also didn’t get a good bye when everyone was saying good bye to me when I had to leave right after they opened my gift. 

Fourth, my kids were upset because of the way my parents were treating me and I had to manage their expectations. It was my brother’s wedding, everyone was stressed and the way they usually talk to me was amplified.  

Weddings for a single person are bitter sweet. I mean I am happy for my brother, I had fun with my cousins, and I was able to add some amazing pictures to my photography portfolio, however, it is a celebration of love. His life with the woman he loves is being cemented, just as my marriage is finishing. Their friends are mostly all married and in love.... I was one of the few single people in the place. 

My eyes were draining a lot through out the day, mostly because I was happy for my brother, but a bit because I was sad about my life. Yet, being single does have it’s benefits, even at a wedding. I didn’t have to keep my ex husband happy and listen to him go on and on about how unfair my family is and how my brother is a jerk. I was able to enjoy time with my family with minimal negativity. Once I got my kids to see things differently and I mentally prepared for being face to face with my uncle, that is.

The day was about my brother and his beautiful wife, just as it should be, and I am very happy for them. 

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Lonely in a Crowd

Being single is lonely, however it does have it’s benefits. I haven’t gone on a vacation alone in twenty years. I just returned to the last place I travelled alone -- Montreal Quebec Canada. It is like I am starting over from that time in my life. 

Although, I am not able to handle the heat nearly as well as I used to and I am not able to walk as far as I could in the past, it is the great to be here. I stop when I want to rest, I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do, I eat when and where I want to, all without having to consider anyone else in my decisions. No one to push me to go further than I can physically handle, no one to question the price of something I want to do, ie museum admission. I do what moves me at the time. 

However, it can be extremely lonely as well. I’ve been spending time in huge crowds, be it at the Jazz Festival location or in the Old Montreal site. I know no one in the crowds. I do not know how to meet anyone for longer than a 5 minute conversation. I see couples holding hands, arms around each other, and even the odd one kiss. I watch as families with young children take in the ambiance and history. I notice wedding parties having their pictures taken and friends enjoying a meal together.... I feel alone in the world amongst the crowds.

In these crowds I can see examples of love, connectedness, and camaraderie.

A group of older people were looking for a place to sit at the Jazz Festival and I offered the women my spot, the husband was so grateful and insisted I sit with the women. I could see from the look on his face that his concern was solely for his wife and her sister. He was so happy that they had somewhere to rest. The love for them was obvious.  

While in a gallery I overheard a man telling the gallery owner how much his wife loves horses, why she loves them, which art would appeal to her and which would not. He understood his wife and her taste. He spoke with a tinge of pride in his voice and I couldn’t help but step up and tell him how impressed I was by it. His wife came from another part of the gallery and I mentioned how lucky she was to have a man who knew her so well and was proud to have her as his own. 

That’s what we all want after all. Someone who will know us, see us for who we are and love us anyway. A person who will put us first in their lives and hold us up as something special. We just want to be loved unconditionally. 

We want someone to hold our hand, give us a kiss, hold us when we feel sad and make everything feel better. Someone who will make life worth living.... 

I am currently watching a young beautiful Asian couple with two photographers taking photos of them being sweet to each other, kissing each other, looking at each other with love. In odd poses and fake smiles. OK this is completely staged and very weird. I enjoy taking photos of people in the moment, being real, being themselves. This photo shoot is kind of odd... people are obliviously walking into their shot and getting in the way of the couple and the photos.... Now they are walking away from me without touching and a wide space between them that wasn’t there before.... Like I said Faked....

Hollywood movie romance is like that -- fake.  The real thing is the man who knows his wife’s tastes. The young couple holding hands as they walk by oblivious to everything but each other. The family with young children taking pics of their vacation. We give up on the common every day love for the promise of hollywood’s love at first sight version too easily.  

I would love to meet someone. A man. A real man who would show me around his Montreal and make this trip extra special. The train I took to get here went right through Marc's town.... Not that it matters, he hasn't taken one second to read an email letting him know I'm here, if he had he probably would have a million excuses to not come meet me. That would be harder on me. I hate feeling rejected and tossed aside by him... A man I don't even know.... I shouldn't let whether he likes me or not effect my self esteem, but it does. 

Friday, 6 June 2014

Are Dominant Men are Cold and Cruel?

When Dominant men start to play, they turn down the thermostat of their words, feelings, and attitude. When I first start talking with a Dominant man he is kind, warm, and interesting. Then he starts in with questions about my past sexual experiences, sexual fantasies, and so forth, which on the surface seems intimate. It's anything but.

It's about control, knowing how to move my desire, and build a wall around him. I think we're having an intimate conversation, we're not, it's a distraction so I won't notice the wall that protects him. Intimacy is about getting to know someone, getting inside them, and learning about who they are, not just sex. When the guy finally transforms to full on dominant he is cold, calculating, and cruel. His words are sharp and cut deep with the full purpose of making me hate myself.

Except they tell me it's only play. I should be able to separate the two, I should be able to have a strong enough self esteem to not care about the words. Certain words yes. I can in the moment ignore as pretend, but when they try to use these words in emails, IMs, etc sometimes they can go too far.

I have a lot of emotional pain, a lot of lies that I believe, it is sometimes hard for me to know what is truth and what is pretend. Men make me feel like the only thing I'm good for is sex... both dominant and non dominant men only want to have sex with me. None have wanted to get to know me. All the pressure to have sex and the sex talk only leaves me feeling worse about myself. One man told me that I should know that I'm better than just sex, I'm good for cleaning up and cooking too.... I almost cried.

My ex tells me that men only want me for my tits. My son told me that I shouldn't be picky because I'm a forty year old, overweight, housewife, with a two kids, a crappy job and I live in a basement suite. In other words, I have nothing to offer a man.

It's the cruel words Dominant men use to humiliate and degrade that hurt. They are supposed to make you want to please them. It works. It works because you feel you are so terrible you don't deserve better and you just want someone to love you. Many, like me, are imprinted to view being controlled, pushed around, belittled, as love. The niceties other men give us, all those great compliments, make us feel uncomfortable, unworthy, and lied to. We are abused and are only comfortable with being abused.

A few men I've talked to were abusive jerks with very little intelligence and I usually ended up laughing at them from my end of the computer screen. Yes, that's mean, but how they view women is so far from the reality of who we are, it's laughable. These men are looking for vulnerable, desperate, weak women with no self esteem. They want to control a woman 24/7 and basically almost think for her. They are the extreme of my ex husband. I would not classify them as true dominants, but rather controlling selfish abusers, who can't truly care for a woman because they see them only as property to humiliate and degrade all the time. 

Some men have been very normal and friendly in the real world. Interesting, smart, successful, and even thoughtful. However, the minute the game starts they change dramatically. This is the type of man I like to play with, as long as the play is only in the bedroom and the rest of our correspondence is normal, real, and respectful. As long as he is only a cold hearted jerk in play and a loving kind protector when finished. This is a hard man to find. 

Marc, the first dominant man to find me, the only one to possess me, is like two different people. At first he was this interesting, kind, thoughtful man. Then he became Master and that person was cold, unfeeling, hurtful with his words. Then Marc would periodically come back to say wonderful things about me, my character, my looks, my mind. He did this to keep me on his hook, to play with me, make me think he cared. He knew exactly what to say to make me feel good about myself and he did help me through the storm of my separation.  The only problem was, he'd disappear for weeks, pulling further and further away until I couldn't see him anymore. Until I'd had enough of being ignored and walked away. 

I am two different people. In the real world I am a self assured, confident woman. Deep underneath that though is a submissive, hurting woman with a low self esteem. Both are compartmentalized away from each other and I don't even know how to access the weaker wounded one intentionally. 

I believe most dominant men have two identities also. They have a mask that they wear when they play that hides their real selves, their vulnerable selves. Finding men who want to play a dominant role in the bedroom is easy.  Finding the one with the right mixture of cold, warm, and hot is proving to be a challenge. 

Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Thinking of Getting the Boobs cut OFF!

I met a successful man for drinks and thought things were going well. I'd dressed in a baggy top, no cleavage, and jeans. Nothing provocative or sexy... I wanted a conversation not another letch fest....

The first few drinks were good, he was a very interesting man. After a few drinks his focus was impaired by his smaller head and he couldn't focus on the conversation. Then he started getting braver and commenting on my shirt and how my boobs looked. Did I mention it was a t-shirt type material with one of those cover up type jackets that just hang off you....

Soon I was grabbing his hands to keep them off my boobs and it ended the date on a bad note.

On the weekend I conducted an experiment... no surprise with the results because men are men and I've had similar results in the past.

In my profile I was very clear about my IQ being larger than my ample chest and that I was not interested in men being rude, asking for hook ups, etc.... I even said I wasn't a free prostitute or porn star. I was clear and blunt.

I then posted a pic of me with my cleavage...

Within minutes I had over ten messages....

This let me know right away what these guys were about...

The difference, in the past I'd received rude comments about my size, what they wanted to do with my tits and asking how big they are... This time I didn't get any rude comments but lots of hellos and how are yous....

Should I use what assets God has given me to attract men with perverted thoughts on their mind or schedule an appointment with a cosmetic surgeon to get them reduced... They are big enough I could get medical to cover the reduction.... but that would ruin my bodies balance.... I have a perfect hour glass figure with a 10" difference between my waist and hips/chest.  Whether I'm 70 lbs lighter or overweight my measurements always have the 10" differential.

Some men told me to find non boob men to talk to.... they exist?

It's not that I have a problem with causing men's desire to stir, it's just I'd rather do it at appropriate times and when I mean to do it. Not just because I talk to them.... I want a man who can see me for me, my mind, my ideas, my talents, my heart, and my values.... Not my pretty face, my eyes, and especially not for my breasts....

Sunday, 18 May 2014

My Daughter does NOT want me to Date

My daughter had a melt down yesterday when we were on her way to her dad's where she was going to stay while I went to a friends place in Vancouver. I didn't understand why she was freaking out until she said, I know more than you think I do.

I immediately stopped my car on the side of the road and asked her what she was talking about.... Well she didn't believe that I was just going to hang out with Dani, so while I was in the shower she went into my room grabbed my computer and went through my emails to find out what I was up to. NOT good... Yes I know I should have closed out my user profile before shutting off my computer. In my defence, she never uses my computer without asking first and I was in a hurry.  Not good enough, I still should have shut my user name off automatically.

She read the latest email from Marc and although it wasn't sexually explicit and told me wonderful things he thought about me that were not sexual, he still called me his whore and that is NOT what any mother wants their daughter to read about them. I can understand how she was scared, one I'd lied to her about what I was really doing and two, she'd read emails that were not for her eyes.

There were lots of tears and apologies. I told her I was sorry for emailing the adult content words I had been emailing and that I was not planning on having sex with my dates that weekend, but yes I was dating.

Considering how much fear I put into her about talking online to people she didn't know and the dangers of doing stupid things, like sending pictures of herself.... she was freaking out about my safety. A long conversation and tears on my part going over my fears of being alone and no one wanting to date me. I explained that I was stupid to be playing adult email sex games, but I found it therapeutic due to issues I had.

She kept saying that she only had one childhood and we've ruined it by getting divorced and then talking to other people. While explaining my actions I told her more about how my childhood was ruined at the age of two and the effects it has had, which is the reasons for the types of words in my emails and how I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to be happy and innocent, however, she is twelve and that innocence is starting to be eroded by media, friends, and unfortunately, me. I wish she never saw what she read and I wish I had been more careful...

We talked about her fears, my fears, and what she read. We talked about how I would not be going back to her dad and she agreed that she didn't want me to be with him. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go on dates and find someone to spend time with. She wasn't afraid anymore, wanted me to be happy and understood my fears. We started talking more about what was acceptable and what wasn't.

I cancelled four dates and I'm going to spend the rest of the long weekend with her. I hope to fix some damage and be as honest as I can be with her about adult dating. I need to try to quell her fears and start behaving like an adult and not an insecure little teenager.


Before my last date I told my daughter where I was going and what I was doing. We talked briefly and she was alright with the idea by the time I left. Later she told me that she didn't worry about me and was a lot more calmer than the times I told her I was going out to meet a friend or just going out for a drink.... That tells me I've done the right thing....

The Letch

My date today went from being some what interesting to a complete letch who wouldn't respect my boundaries and refused to acknowledge my discomfort. Some touching I'm ok with on a date in public, hold my hand, put an arm around me, or a quick kiss. This guy took public displays of affection to a new level and when I would pull away or say I needed space he'd be back into my personal space within moments.

I realize my role here... I was not forceful enough and should have just walked away. Reasons I didn't... same as always, some guy was paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. That is huge for me but it doesn't mean it leaves me feeling good about myself or what happened. I didn't realize how bad I felt until after he left and my stomach revolted against me. I'm still feeling ill more than twelve hours later. 

I have no boundaries, never have, they were destroyed at a very young age and I am still trying hard to build them. My upbringing trained me to put men first, to see their needs as more important, to see them as more important. It's not that my mother meant that to be the lesson she taught, it just was. She would then be horrified if I didn't stand up against a man or slept with one. I would be berated and labelled 'bad' because I didn't stand up for myself and demand respect. These mixed messages in my teens left me as two separate people and I'm never sure which one will show up on the date. 

Today the kick ass bitch started the date, but this guy slammed right through that facade to bring out the weaker easily manipulated wounded me. This me doesn't have the skills to protect herself from unacceptable advances. This me has no self respect and men can pick up on that because she has no clear boundaries. She doesn't follow the kick ass bitch's rules because the feel of being with a man is so comforting and nice. Yet, men scare the living daylights out of her because all they've done is use and abuse her. That girl needs to stay in her box. 

I don't like that weak, broken, hurting, insecure part of me. I try to keep her boxed up behind a wall, but this letch kept coming until he broke the wall and then there were no boundaries left. He did what he wanted and kept trying to 'sell me' on more. I was finally able to get him to leave, but only because I said I was meeting a friend. At first he wanted to escort me to her place. When I said she was meeting me there, he wanted to wait with me... there was no friend, no car, no way to get away. Finally, he left and I walked to the closest coffee shop to wait until following and jumping on the next train home. 

What lesson did I learn? Have an escape plan. Have a way out of the situation. Do not allow the kick ass bitch to be trampled down just because he's confident, persistent, and forceful. I have too much to learn and too much to build up. It's not an easy process but I'll get there.