Saturday, 16 August 2014

Can I Stop Being A Submissive Woman?

I've come to terms with being a submissive woman. That doesn't mean I want to be one. However, the question is, can I change?

Can I have normal desires? Or must I always be controlled by a dominant man to feel that rush of lust?

I know that those within the dominant / submissive lifestyle will say that there is nothing wrong with being a submissive... However, that is not my experience. How is constantly seeing to the desires and wants of someone else who constantly tests your love for them is good? It only reinforces my belief that I'm not good enough. How is allowing someone to treat you like an object, a toy, a thing, is a good thing? I end up feeling used, uncared for, and unlovable. It only confirms my belief that I don't deserve to be loved.

I need more than any dominant man is willing to give me... I need to be loved for me... I need to matter... I need to feel protected, cared for, cherished, and loved. However, these are not traits I've seen in any of the Dominant men I've met. They are all too selfish and caught up in an ideal game that they cannot see me, support me, or love me. I am nothing to them.

I just don't seem to get it right. I'm not a good enough submissive for dominant men. I try, I try my best but it's never good enough to get what I really need in return, and it's not some stupid orgasm.... That's all they seem to have to offer me.... That's all they think I'm good for....

They are very willing to try to convince me they are better then anyone else out there. That they can give me what I need. That they are not abusers. That they are the real thing and treat their subs with the respect they deserve, they care for them, protect them, and give them what they need.... Right up until they get what they want.... Then they turn. Turn ugly. Say mean things to me. Make demands of me with no regard for what I want or who I really am. They toss me aside like I'm nothing to them, but demand that they be everything to me. I am left alone... Ignored... Until they want to play again and if I say I'm busy or NO... Then suddenly I'm not submissive enough for them.

After talking with submissive women, and submissive men, I am firmly of the belief that they are so beaten down they think they deserve to be treated badly. That they have to be treated a certain way in order to be accepted, in order to get any attention, to be cared for.

When a man is kind to me, does extra nice things, I feel bad about myself to the point that I want to cry.   That is so 'not' a normal response. Why shouldn't I deserve to be treated with kindness, care, and generosity? Why does a kind man make me hurt emotionally to the point of tears?

When a man is mean, puts me down, and ignores me, I feel bad, but a comfortable bad. It's like I feel better, calmer, normal, by feeling small, weak, and insignificant. I don't feel like crying. I don't hurt emotionally like I do when someone is nice to me. I feel normal in my self loathing. I firmly believe I don't deserve any better. I just want to sit in a corner and hide. When a dominant man tells me I've got to do better, I try harder to please him, knowing I won't please him. Knowing I don't matter.

I don't want to be this person. I want to be my other self.... My strong, independent, intelligent self. Why can't I matter? Why can't I feel that I deserve to be loved? How can I change my mind set?

I wish I knew the answers. I wish it was easy to get my heart to believe what my head keeps telling it. I wish that at my core I was not a submissive woman. I wish I was a kick butt woman.

Online Date Site Review - POF

Plenty of Fish ... An apt name for a dating site.

I've met a few guys in the real world off the Plenty of Fish website. It's free to join and as a result has a large selection of available men and women. The search default is local profiles. I rarely ever received a message from someone who wasn't from my local area.

Those members who are online are identified making it easy to know if the person you are interested in talking to is online or not.

Matching isn't the best on POF. There is a questionnaire to fill out, which is supposed to help with suggested matches and provides a very generalized horoscope type report about the person and their relationship needs. Very long and boring, not something I read all the way through for myself, let alone a potential date.

Most of the guys were looking to hook up or just chat forever. Some started out respectful but soon became very inappropriate horny boys looking for online interaction to jerk off to. They pretended to care about who I am but really their questions about how I am or what I am up to were just polite conversation.

The odd quality guy does pop up on the site.... but you have to be a certain image or person to attract them.... and they don't stay on the site for long.... There are so few respectful, successful men looking for a real relationship that they are quickly scoped up.

Most profiles are not very well put together. The photos are terrible, the write ups sparse or rambling. The site does offer tips and a video of how to create the best profile, but few actually follow their advice. If you read women's profiles you can tell they are tired of receiving rude messages and inappropriate requests. Men's profiles usually request that you have images if you're going to contact them.

Plenty of Fish is a catalog of profiles. It's the meat market in print. How one looks is of utmost importance. It works well for young, good looking, successful people.... If a person is not photogenic or is flawed in some way physically, they can be ignored or rejected quite easily.

The messaging system is archaic. It's email like and it is hard to chat online with anyone. There is no IM feature and you have to refresh the page to see if you received a response back. It makes it very hard to have a conversation with someone...

The nice feature of the Plenty of Fish message system is it's filters.... Any dirty talk in a message stops it from being sent to a recipient... well unless they sender uses *@*^ characters or spaces between letters.  Still it's the only site I've come across where they are trying to weed out the smut talking idiots.

Any photos or messages that are inappropriate result in the whole profile being deleted. They are at least trying to keep their site respectable.

I've met people in the real world who found love on Plenty of Fish. Some found someone right away, while others, took a lot longer. Being a free site, it has a huge selection of men and women to chose from.

Have you tried Plenty of Fish in your search for love? Did you find love? What was your opinion about the site? Leave your comments...

Tuesday, 12 August 2014

Update - Single Life is Great!

I mentioned I have been busy... too busy to write.... Which since I'm trying to launch myself as a writer is not a good thing. However, my life has become so wonderful there is no doubt in my mind that there is a God and he is watching out for me, protecting me, and providing for me.

In June I was travelling from one end of the continent to the other for work because I was offered a promotion, which of course I accepted. The better money has enabled me to find a better place and the timing couldn't have been better as my lease was coming to an end. I found a much better rental and it feels like a home where both my children can live with me... I'm still sleeping on the couch, but who needs a room....

My son travelled to Africa and I was busy trying to settle the details and find the last of the money and guess what... $700 arrived in the mail from the tax man of all people. It was enough to get the supplies so he could go.

I filed court papers... and then put the case aside because yes, once again I allowed my ex to manipulate and bully me into doing things his way.... I did get an $100 a month out of him.

I don't trust the courts. I don't trust him. I am trusting in God.... an entity I know is there I just can't see. Maybe I'm nuts, but with the way my situation has been turning around lately, I don't think rushing into court may be in my best interest... His income has slid in the last year and a half, whereas mine has doubled. Add that to the fact that my son isn't living predominately with me yet, I don't want to end up paying him child support or having the courts say that I have to force my daughter to go there 50% of the time....

That's my logic anyway....

So as you can see my life has been getting better every time I turn around.

My son even mentioned that I'm looking younger and happier than before, while my ex is looking tired and older.  I'll take that thanks....

I'm happy. My life is drama free for the most part. I'm healing and finding out more about why I have attracted and gravitated towards abusive men.... I need to understand this deep need I seem to have to be controlled by others and then hopefully I can break it and find a new path.....

Sunday, 27 July 2014

Men on Online Dating sites Erode Women's Self Esteem

It's been almost a month since I've posted anything and so much has happened.... I've been so busy but I'll post more about that later.

I am taking a break from online dating. Considering this is supposed to be an exercise in online dating, why am I taking an extended break? Because, I'm finding that the way men talk to me online is eroding my self esteem, which was low to begin with.

Guys who talk smut online with women are looking to get a need filled, what they don't realize is what it does to a woman. Well, if they do know they don't care. I am of the belief that men just don't care about how their need to get their rocks off ruins woman's self esteem. Most men are too selfish to care if their words or actions hurt a woman... As long as they are getting what they want then hey, what's the harm?

The harm.... As I am discovering, talking smut to a women causes them to feel that's all they are good for. That who they are doesn't matter and they are not deserving of love. Those woman who are smart enough to shut these jerks down keep their self esteem intact and find real love because they find that odd 'Good' guy who will respect them, cherish them, protect them, and love them.

Those women who engage these horny jerks only confirm to themselves that they aren't worthy of love or respect. In the last seven months I have talked online with hundreds of men and allowed them to talk to me in whatever matter they deemed appropriate.... most went directly to sex... Especially the dominant men.

Dominant men seem to gravitate to my profile. Their sexual questions and comments have done nothing but destroy me. They have only confirmed what I already believed... They only care about themselves and don't care about the woman they want to dominate. How she feels or how she feels about herself doesn't matter at all. They spill out lie after lie and empty promises to get what they want and then humiliate, ignore, or grind the woman down.

I believe the books 50 shades of grey and those written on that topic are dangerous for woman who have been abused by men in the past. Women who don't love themselves enough to demand a man treat them right. Or women who are lonely and just want someone to love them.

Seven months in the meat market of Online Dating with the large portion of Dominant men finding their way into my message box is long enough for now.... I am miserable. I am beginning to hate myself and see myself as unworthy of love, respect, or care..... The reason... Men only want to pound me and few care anything about me, my life, my situation, or my struggles....

I have survived enough abuse in my life... Recently, I have put more space between me and my abusers,  however, I'm finding that men online are only more than willing to replace them.

Maybe men don't understand how talking smut and looking at women like pieces of meat  to pound results in their self hatred... hurt... and depression.... Or maybe they do know and they just don't care.

Monday, 30 June 2014

Being Single Changes Outlook

As a married woman I never considered things like going on vacation alone, partying or getting a tattoo. Now that I am single I find myself considering things I never would have considered just six months ago. Like getting a Tattoo... Not that I know what I would even get.

Since becoming single I have started drinking more, smoked the odd cigarette, invited a man into my home for adult fun, and started acting like I did when I was 20 years old. All of which I thought were insane things for any woman out there to do. Especially one that was 40 years old.

My narrow view point of morality is changing.

Sunday, 29 June 2014

Single at a Wedding

I went to my brother’s wedding last weekend. It was amazing. The run up was disorganized mess and I thought my parents were going to loose their minds with the irrational details that were coming at them right up to 15 minutes before the Bride was supposed to be walking down the aisle. However, like with most disorganized Bride’s she was thankfully late and everyone had time to get ready. 

The wedding was perfect. They had picked a gorgeous setting over looking the lake our family has been vacationing at for generations and an old rustic community hall, which fit their rustic design theme perfectly. 

I took pictures of the preparations, the decorative details everyone had spent so much time on, and the guests as they enjoyed the day. These photos’ were my gift to them, well that and over $100 of David’s tea products. Once the ceremony started everything fell into place and everyone had a good time playing games, visiting, and of course drinking. I knew very few people outside of family members there. My brother has a good group of friends whom love him and know how to party.

For me the event was bitter in a few ways. 

First, I’m in the middle of a divorce and had just served my ex with court papers. He went ballistic and things between us are worse than ever. My kids were with me and they were mixed on whether they wanted to stay or go back and stay with their dad while I went away for work and a much needed holiday. The kids were feeling the hurt just as much as I was and their frowns and upset faces touched me deeply. 

Second, would be the day before the festivities I was reading the guest list, and thankfully I read it before the wedding because they had invited my uncle. My uncle who started my sexual issues when I was two. Usually, my mother lets me know when he’ll be around and I can mentally prepare myself. Yes, I do go to visit with my aunt when he is at their cabin, however, I have mentally prepared myself for the encounter. This time it felt like my brother had stabbed me in the side. 

Third, I said hello to my brother five or more times and did not get one hello back, not even an acknowledgement. Now he was stressed, it was his wedding after all.... However, I also didn’t get a good bye when everyone was saying good bye to me when I had to leave right after they opened my gift. 

Fourth, my kids were upset because of the way my parents were treating me and I had to manage their expectations. It was my brother’s wedding, everyone was stressed and the way they usually talk to me was amplified.  

Weddings for a single person are bitter sweet. I mean I am happy for my brother, I had fun with my cousins, and I was able to add some amazing pictures to my photography portfolio, however, it is a celebration of love. His life with the woman he loves is being cemented, just as my marriage is finishing. Their friends are mostly all married and in love.... I was one of the few single people in the place. 

My eyes were draining a lot through out the day, mostly because I was happy for my brother, but a bit because I was sad about my life. Yet, being single does have it’s benefits, even at a wedding. I didn’t have to keep my ex husband happy and listen to him go on and on about how unfair my family is and how my brother is a jerk. I was able to enjoy time with my family with minimal negativity. Once I got my kids to see things differently and I mentally prepared for being face to face with my uncle, that is.

The day was about my brother and his beautiful wife, just as it should be, and I am very happy for them. 

Saturday, 28 June 2014

Lonely in a Crowd

Being single is lonely, however it does have it’s benefits. I haven’t gone on a vacation alone in twenty years. I just returned to the last place I travelled alone -- Montreal Quebec Canada. It is like I am starting over from that time in my life. 

Although, I am not able to handle the heat nearly as well as I used to and I am not able to walk as far as I could in the past, it is the great to be here. I stop when I want to rest, I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do, I eat when and where I want to, all without having to consider anyone else in my decisions. No one to push me to go further than I can physically handle, no one to question the price of something I want to do, ie museum admission. I do what moves me at the time. 

However, it can be extremely lonely as well. I’ve been spending time in huge crowds, be it at the Jazz Festival location or in the Old Montreal site. I know no one in the crowds. I do not know how to meet anyone for longer than a 5 minute conversation. I see couples holding hands, arms around each other, and even the odd one kiss. I watch as families with young children take in the ambiance and history. I notice wedding parties having their pictures taken and friends enjoying a meal together.... I feel alone in the world amongst the crowds.

In these crowds I can see examples of love, connectedness, and camaraderie.

A group of older people were looking for a place to sit at the Jazz Festival and I offered the women my spot, the husband was so grateful and insisted I sit with the women. I could see from the look on his face that his concern was solely for his wife and her sister. He was so happy that they had somewhere to rest. The love for them was obvious.  

While in a gallery I overheard a man telling the gallery owner how much his wife loves horses, why she loves them, which art would appeal to her and which would not. He understood his wife and her taste. He spoke with a tinge of pride in his voice and I couldn’t help but step up and tell him how impressed I was by it. His wife came from another part of the gallery and I mentioned how lucky she was to have a man who knew her so well and was proud to have her as his own. 

That’s what we all want after all. Someone who will know us, see us for who we are and love us anyway. A person who will put us first in their lives and hold us up as something special. We just want to be loved unconditionally. 

We want someone to hold our hand, give us a kiss, hold us when we feel sad and make everything feel better. Someone who will make life worth living.... 

I am currently watching a young beautiful Asian couple with two photographers taking photos of them being sweet to each other, kissing each other, looking at each other with love. In odd poses and fake smiles. OK this is completely staged and very weird. I enjoy taking photos of people in the moment, being real, being themselves. This photo shoot is kind of odd... people are obliviously walking into their shot and getting in the way of the couple and the photos.... Now they are walking away from me without touching and a wide space between them that wasn’t there before.... Like I said Faked....

Hollywood movie romance is like that -- fake.  The real thing is the man who knows his wife’s tastes. The young couple holding hands as they walk by oblivious to everything but each other. The family with young children taking pics of their vacation. We give up on the common every day love for the promise of hollywood’s love at first sight version too easily.  

I would love to meet someone. A man. A real man who would show me around his Montreal and make this trip extra special. The train I took to get here went right through Marc's town.... Not that it matters, he hasn't taken one second to read an email letting him know I'm here, if he had he probably would have a million excuses to not come meet me. That would be harder on me. I hate feeling rejected and tossed aside by him... A man I don't even know.... I shouldn't let whether he likes me or not effect my self esteem, but it does.