Tuesday, 28 January 2014

Divorce, Decisions, Depression

I was looking forward to my forties being a great deal better than my thirties and so far... I've got side swiped and then banged up. Five months before turning forty my husband of twenty years tells me he wants a divorce. At least he didn't literally kick me to the curb and I still have a roof over my head. Only problem is, he's still under it too.

Not only that but my kids became teenagers and now they want very little to do with me. Problem is, I gave up a career in finance to stay home with them and struggled through flexible jobs that I was barely any good at to raise them. Now what? My dream career has always been to be a writer, but I'm hardly alone there and only 1% of those trying to become writers actually make a living at it. Depressing.

My marriage ended over a year ago and all the decisions I have no control over are beginning to piss me off, so I've started taking control of my life for the first time in ten years. Yes, I gave up control of my life to my husband about ten years ago. He made all the major decisions and after a short fight, I'd just nodded my head politely saying "it's a bad decision, but if it's what you think is best." Problem was, he didn't consider my needs or take care of me financially in the process. Now I've got no credit, a manageable debt, a low paying job that won't support me and two teenagers living in a very expensive city.  My parents and the bulk of my friends live in a totally different country than I do, on a different continent and moving there is just too much change to put the kids through.

I've decided to push my ex to finish the renos, I've started dating, and I'm gonna move out before he's ready to sell the house. I forgot how good I was at making decisions. Yes, it's much easier to give someone else the responsibility. It's not smart though. In my case my husband wasn't very good at making decisions even though he wanted to be the one in control. The stress of making bad decision after bad decision caused lots of friction in our marriage, a major loss of trust and some very bad blood between us. He was always miserable, always stressed, always blaming me for the consequences and I resented him for dragging me along kicking and screaming behind him.

Divorce is going to be a good thing for me, once I can finally get a decent pay cheque or a second part time job to afford rent. If I could trust my ex to pay child support I wouldn't worry about a second job, but I know him. There will be no cheques sent my way unless the courts force it and I'm not sure I want to put everyone through that nastiness for an extra $800.00 a month. My kids need their dad and I've seen what courts can do to kids. It's not worth it. I'd rather work a second job than put my kids through it.

I've been on medication to manage my depression for over ten years now, but when situational depression gets added onto the clinical, it can be hard to push through even with the magic pill. I had a job interview yesterday and I was hoping it would be a quick solution, but wasn't. The interview made me think there aren't opportunities for someone like me out there, which I know is not true.

Marc hasn't contacted me in seven days now and he'd hung up on me without saying goodbye, so that lifeline is only adding to the blue feelings swimming around inside me. The other guys I've been talking to online have become silent and there have been no new ones interested in a middle aged overweight curvy housewife. The distractions of the last two months are silent.

My friends have their own lives and are all happily married. Besides none of them deserve to listen to me moan on about how difficult I allowed my life to become. I work from home, so it's isolating with very little in the way of face to face interaction. I get hung up on constantly, rejection is a daily word in my life, whether it be a sales call or a query letter to an agent.

My kids are extremely smart, extremely teenage, and extremely vocal about what they think should be going on in my life. They know how to push my buttons, make me feel guilty, and how to get me to do what they want me to do, all while spending my money. Yes I know, time to change that too.

Some days depression wins out, this is one of those days and I feel like I was hit by a train, my brain keeps rebooting every so often, sending a jarring electrical shock through me. Very distracting. I know that the best way to move on is to find joy within myself instead of in the attention of others. The only time I feel at peace alone is when I write or read. In other words, when I'm living in LaLa land and not having to face my crappy life. However, not facing my reality will not help me gain the independence I need, nor the solutions.

I should step back from dating. I should definitely take a step back from Marc - a huge step back. I should get a grip on my life and what I want from it before adding more crap into the mix. What do I want? My mother asked me that question when I told her Chris wanted out of our marriage. Funny coming from her because she always told me what I thought and wanted growing up. I didn't have an answer. I do now, but it still takes the mighty dollar, a whole lot of determination and facing fears I never thought I'd face alone.

I know I  will make it in this crazy world, one decision at a time.