Wednesday, 26 March 2014

Gender Roles, Gender Equality, and Dominant Men.

The Game of 51 series started out as a record of my online dating experiences as I went from a long term marriage back into the world of dating. What it has turned into is a study in gender roles in relationship, power exchange in sex, and gender equality in a Dominant / Submissive relationship.

As I talk to dominant men online I am struck by their attitude toward feminism and modern women. Their views aren't even old fashion ideals of the role of woman. It isn't about loving a woman so much you'd die for them. It isn't about cherishing a woman or taking care of them. It's about using them as sexual objects and using sex to put them in their place. It's about having a woman serve them, worship them, stroke their egos, and be a sexual slave for them. She is to always be ready for sex, which if you're a woman you know - we aren't always in the mood, but that doesn't matter to a dominant man.

Sure being a sex object is a boost to the self esteem. It feels good to be desired, wanted, lusted after. But it gets old fast. Sex is only a small part of a relationship - but to these guys it's everything. It's how they assert their power, their dominance, who they are in the relationship. It's how they make their women less than people, they make them objects of desire, ready to serve them.

They usually ask me what I believe the roles of men and women in a relationship should be. I do like how the Dominant / Submissive dynamic clearly defines gender roles because each person knows exactly what is expected and who is responsible for what. How many more marriages would have lasted had each person been clear about their expectations up front? What role each person was supposed to take on? Who would lead, who would follow?

Still, a Dominant / Submissive 24/7 relationship is an unequal power dynamic I have a hard time wrapping my head around. The more I talk to these men, the more I read, the more I research, the more confusing it becomes. A Dominant man will punish his woman physically, as if she was a child, if she does not do as she is told. When one guy told me he'd spank me if I didn't keep the house clean I told him I'd give him a good right hook if he tried. One, because I'm not a child. Two, because I can't clean worth the brown stuff coming out your butt. I'm not about to agree to discipline for something I know I'll never succeed at or be happy succeeding at. I find no pride in keeping a clean house or by pleasing someone I resent for making me.

For the record I do clean my place, I get rid of clutter etc..... But I do not feel pride when someone comments on how nice the place looks.

The thing that strikes me as completely unfair about the Dominant / Submissive relationship is this: There is a definite consequence for the woman when she doesn't fulfill her role in the agreement, usually a spanking, but who punishes the man when he doesn't fulfill his end of the bargain?  If she isn't getting what she needs, what she wants, if he isn't fulfilling his role, where is his consequence? Who will spank the dominant man when he screws up?

 I have a very hard time getting my head around that. A Submissive in a 24/7 relationship is not supposed to have wants, her only need is supposed to be to serve her Dominant. Still, there has to be something the Dominant is providing the Submissive to get her to stay and if he doesn't, who spanks him?

I believe equality amongst the sexes in a relationship is about respecting each others strengths and supporting them in their weaknesses. I don't believe all men are meant to make all the decisions in a relationship. I don't believe all women are meant to be in the kitchen. I believe equality in relationships is different for each relationship and neither person should take the lead based only on their gender. Dominant men don't seem to like this point of view.

Before you say I'm not submissive, I am in a certain part of a relationship. I'm just not a 24/7 submissive and I have a hard time understanding them. However, I want to. I want to understand how they don't feel abused. How they can view the control that is asserted over them as loving care. I want to know what they get out of such an unequal power dynamic.

Book 4, which I am currently writing, explores 24/7 submission and asks questions about how someone can really find happiness in such a relationship. I talk with a few Dominants online looking for a 24/7 Submissive and I may not get it, but the point of relationships is that there are all different kinds for all different kinds of people.

Due to my marital situation Book 4 will be delayed.