Friday, 25 April 2014

Date with a Great Guy ... Why did it go South?

I met an older man for coffee the other day, no expectations, didn't think I'd like him. He was late and there was nothing overly attractive about him, he was average in looks, but not average in intelligence. He dominated the conversation, which was fine with me, with stories about his life, his points of view, his beliefs, and passions. He was very interesting and that made him sexier to me as time went on. We had some good philosophical discussions, we talked about our kids, our lives, and our work. Coffee lasted four hours... Time just flew...

As he left, he told me he'd come my way next time for fish & chips by the dock and he was looking forward to it. Later that night, he sent me an email thanking me for a great time and he was looking forward to meeting with me again. I waited until the next day to return his email with compliments about how interesting I found him and that I too wanted to meet again. Then he emailed again, saying he wanted to meet up again soon. I waited another day and then sent him a note saying I was coming his way on Saturday, would he want to meet up for coffee again? I received a response that night saying that would be great and that he was free all day! Perfect right? 

Soon after that email, I receive another one from him stating that although he really enjoyed coffee with me, he wanted to make it clear that this was not a date, as he didn't want to come between me and my husband getting back together. 

Ah... What? 

I thought hard about what I said about my marriage and separation... I never once said we were working things out, or I ever had any intention of working things out. I never said it was an abusive marriage, however I did say we were finished and both moving on. I'd even mentioned I helped my ex with his online dating profile hoping he'd find someone new quickly. I purposely did not say anything bad about Chris, but I sure as h e double hockey sticks did not say anything nice about our marriage either. I barely talked about it. 

I don't get it. 

I emailed him back saying that I was up for a just friends coffee and needed the mental stimulus of smart people in my life. I also mentioned that there was no chance of me going back into my abusive marriage and that I'd stayed so long it had actually harmed my children, not helped them. I also mentioned that my situation was my problem and not one I was looking for another person to solve for me.... Just in case he thought that... 

My feelings are raw right now... I am hurting ... Plus in therapy I am working on the whole why do I feel like I don't deserve to be loved, respected, valued, cared about, etc thing. That's probably why my first reaction was, what is wrong with me? Why don't men want to date me? 

Rationally, I know there is nothing wrong with me. I did everything right. This is his hang up, not mine.  Still it stings that he wouldn't want to date me. I know I need friends more than dates, I need to build a support system not a string of affairs. Still, a huge part of me is desperate to feel desired, wanted, needed.

UPDATE:

Turns out that it's not my marriage he's worried about getting in the way of. He's worried I'll get in the way of him getting his wife back. He's still in love with his wife four year later and isn't ready to date, but is open to friendship with me to help stave off the loneliness. Insert eye roll here... Next time buddy, just be honest. I'm still open to be friends... Always good to have friends, you never know who he knows.