Wednesday, 2 April 2014

He's just NOT into Me.... Too Bad....

I've been reading a lot about dating, relationships, and how men think.... Yes ladies they do think and not just with the little head, although that one seems to be the dominant thinker sometimes.

I remember way back in my University days when John Grey made a big splash with his Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars book, learning about how men like to pull back, go into their cave. I agree with this statement, but at some point they have to come out and if they don't, I think there might be a problem.

Marc's disappeared again... Yes I know, big red flashing lights telling me to bail out.

I read a blog post online about the signs that he just might not be that into you... Guess what, According to this dating coach, Marc's behaviour tells me he's just not that into me. However, every time I call him on it, ask him if he wants to end our arrangement or walk away myself, he comes back and gets closer to me. Damn the man.

This time I'm taking control of myself back. I am not going to tell him I want closure. I've just stopped emailing him first. Trust me this is hard, very hard. I so want to tell him about my day, how things are going with the divorce, especially since I'm so proud of myself for doing so much.

Well, to satisfy myself I write the email and leave it in the drafts folder. If he ever contacts me I'll have an email already to go. If he doesn't email me... I didn't make a fool of myself, yet again.

Every time I say I'm done with him, ask him to release me, he comes back opening himself a bit more to me and I fall for it. Why? Because he scores high on some arbitrary checklist I have about what the perfect man looks like? No. Because I'm a stupid girl with no self respect? Although it feels that way, No. Because he's got magic powers? Definitely not.

I keep going back because I can't have him and I'm in love with the IDEA of him. He is my main character in my Game of 51 Series, he's mysterious, intelligent, interesting, powerful, and has a hold on me - hook line and sinker. I want him because I'm not in control of him. I want him because he is unattainable. It's a game, a contest, a competition. It's not the man I want, but the prize of winning.

It's manipulation 101 - I can see every manipulation he's made, every word, every technique, every string he pulled. I intentionally ignored every one. Why? For a book? Maybe, but doubtful. I ignored the red flags for the attention, the experience, the feelings he stirred inside me.

I have to remember, he's just words on a screen. He's not real. He's only a manipulator who can type a good game.

I've stopped looking to see if he's on the dating site talking to other women. I've updated my own profile and started talking to other men again. At some point I will meet someone who is real, who will think I am special, and who will want me as much as I will want them. At that point, Marc's words on a screen will only be a memory.

Don't get me wrong. I am grateful for his words. They have given me so much during a very difficult time in my life. He has offered me support, been there when I needed him to be, and he made me feel sexy again. He gave me confidence and helped me to feel after years of emotional numbness.

He may not be into me. Our run may or may not be over. But his appearance in my life meant something to me. It helped me. No matter how hurt I'll be if this is it, I'll always be thankful for the attention he did give to me.