Monday, 28 April 2014

I Feel I Don't Deserve to be Loved - How I'm Fixing That

At my core I believe I don't deserve to be loved and those words eat at me when I'm tired, depressed, alone, and hurting. Those words ring so true to my soul I cry out in actual pain from it raking at my nerves, my heart, and my mind. I rarely cry, I rarely feel such pain, but when this lie screams out at me I almost buckle over from the physical agony tormenting my being. My head knows this statement is a lie, but that doesn't matter, I still hurt. 

It is this lie that abusers, manipulators, and predators are able to easily uncover and use against me to reel me into their toxic world. If I am ever to find true happiness and love I have to stop believing it and start loving myself enough to put up walls between me and the toxic men who I am drawn to. 


Here is a podcast that I find helpful, and one that you may also find key truths to help you as you heal: 

http://modernloveguide.podbean.com/

I have been working on this with my therapist. She gave me a few exercises and one of them is to write out a list that I read over and over until I start believing it to the point it drowns out the lie. I've started the list and wanted to share it here. If you're like me, it's time you start calling out the lie and embarrass it back into the depths of hell...

Here's my list, I hope it will help you start writing yours.

Each item has the words I deserve to be loved in front of them, but since it was so hard on the eyes to have that phrase repeat over and over on the screen I removed it... when you write your list make sure you write I deserve to be loved before each reason you give.

I deserve to be loved because:

 God created me to be loved. 
 I am intelligent
 I am knowledgeable
 I am nonjudgemental 
 I get along with most people
 I have an open caring heart
 I have lots of empathy
 I am pretty
 I am kind
 I am a sweetheart
 I am a good friend
 I am an excellent mother
 I am a great writer
 I am a good marketer
 I am a decent salesperson
 I have marketable skills
 I can solve problems
 I am a quick learner
 I am resilient 
 I am resourceful
 I am independent 
 I am supportive
 I am wonderful
 I have a giving heart
 I have a positive outlook
 I love coffee
 I am a good cook
 I have a lot of love to give

This list will grow as I look at myself and all the positive strengths God has given me. Don't get me wrong I have plenty of weaknesses, my inability to keep a clean organized house is at the top of that list. I spend enough time feeling bad about my negatives and the next step will be to start seeing those traits not as negatives but either with a positive twist or as weaknesses that someone else can support with their strengths.