Monday, 14 April 2014

Nice Guys - Why Don't I Want One?

We've all heard the adage, nice guys finish last. I feel for these guys because they really are trying hard and recently I tried to meet 'nice guys' online and find some kind of chemistry with them. Each time it turned into a disaster. They shower me with their attention and I leave the coffee shop asking myself, why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished?

I do deserve to be loved, cared about, cherished, treated like a queen. Yet, after these socially awkward dates with nice guys, I feel like I don't, but what I'm really asking is ... Why don't I deserve to be loved, cared about, and cherished by Marc (or men like him.)? I'm not saying Marc is a bad boy type, he just chooses to be unavailable, so he keeps me at arms length, but within easy reach in case I decide I want to wonder off and shut a door between us.

It's not that I don't have access to men willing to give me the attention and the love I crave, it's that I don't want them to. It has nothing to do with how they look, as some of them are quite cute.  I sit through coffee while they keep telling me how beautiful I am, how smart, how special, how wonderful. I keep trying to talk about other things and they bring the conversation back to complimenting me and making grandiose promises about how they'll treat me or what they'll give me. If they aren't talking about me, they are giving me their sob story about how lonely they are, how much they want to have someone like me to love them. Either way I feel nervous and self-conscious. 

Their promises to give me things or take care of me make me uncomfortable. If they buy me something it makes me feel obligated. I haven't done anything to deserve a gift. I don't feel right letting them pay because we aren't dating, going forward, and if they constantly tell me how good looking they think I am, it isn't going any further than coffee. 

Their compliments make me feel bad about myself because I don't believe them. I'm used to being criticized and put down. I am used to being told I'm only so good and will never amount to anything more than a wife. My whole life has been limited by people who control me and keep me under their control using hurtful words and limitations. So when a stranger is telling me how beautiful I am or how much they want to take care of me, it makes my skin crawl. I don't believe they mean it or that I deserve  it. I start thinking there must be something wrong with me and start to question why I don't deserve love.  

A man like Marc may say I look nice when they meet me, once, but that's it, they don't beat me over the head with it. The compliments they give me are few, well placed, and sincere, they are like crumbs that I lap up and keep looking for more. I want more, so I obsess trying to figure out how to please them to get more. It is a game and it works. 

I was talking to a nice guy, a down on his luck type, trying to explain to him why women brushed off nice guys. How being constantly complimented only made me anxious and did not inspire affection for him. How it would have been better to say nothing about how I look, how great I am, or how much I deserved. How it would be better to talk about life, work, global news, anything but what he thought of me. He wasn't impressed with my assessment of how he should interact and ended the coffee meet. 

It's not that I'm looking for some jerk who will, disrespect me, tear me down, or abuse me. I'm not. I am looking for a confident man who knows what he wants, is very busy with work and can handle independence from his woman. A man who is secure enough in himself that he can support me in my weaknesses and allow me to support him in his. A man who will help me when I need it and will give me space to solve my own problems when I want to. A man who won't constantly judge me and will want to see me succeed in life as a writer.

I have a lot of healing and strength building to get to a point where I will deserve such a man. When I've done the work to rebuild myself, I will not settle for anything less though. By then, not only will I deserve the love of such a man, but I will believe that I do.