My daughter had a melt down yesterday when we were on her way to her dad's where she was going to stay while I went to a friends place in Vancouver. I didn't understand why she was freaking out until she said, I know more than you think I do.
I immediately stopped my car on the side of the road and asked her what she was talking about.... Well she didn't believe that I was just going to hang out with Dani, so while I was in the shower she went into my room grabbed my computer and went through my emails to find out what I was up to. NOT good... Yes I know I should have closed out my user profile before shutting off my computer. In my defence, she never uses my computer without asking first and I was in a hurry. Not good enough, I still should have shut my user name off automatically.
She read the latest email from Marc and although it wasn't sexually explicit and told me wonderful things he thought about me that were not sexual, he still called me his whore and that is NOT what any mother wants their daughter to read about them. I can understand how she was scared, one I'd lied to her about what I was really doing and two, she'd read emails that were not for her eyes.
There were lots of tears and apologies. I told her I was sorry for emailing the adult content words I had been emailing and that I was not planning on having sex with my dates that weekend, but yes I was dating.
Considering how much fear I put into her about talking online to people she didn't know and the dangers of doing stupid things, like sending pictures of herself.... she was freaking out about my safety. A long conversation and tears on my part going over my fears of being alone and no one wanting to date me. I explained that I was stupid to be playing adult email sex games, but I found it therapeutic due to issues I had.
She kept saying that she only had one childhood and we've ruined it by getting divorced and then talking to other people. While explaining my actions I told her more about how my childhood was ruined at the age of two and the effects it has had, which is the reasons for the types of words in my emails and how I don't want her to feel the way I do. I want her to be happy and innocent, however, she is twelve and that innocence is starting to be eroded by media, friends, and unfortunately, me. I wish she never saw what she read and I wish I had been more careful...
We talked about her fears, my fears, and what she read. We talked about how I would not be going back to her dad and she agreed that she didn't want me to be with him. By the end of our conversation she was encouraging me to go on dates and find someone to spend time with. She wasn't afraid anymore, wanted me to be happy and understood my fears. We started talking more about what was acceptable and what wasn't.
I cancelled four dates and I'm going to spend the rest of the long weekend with her. I hope to fix some damage and be as honest as I can be with her about adult dating. I need to try to quell her fears and start behaving like an adult and not an insecure little teenager.
Before my last date I told my daughter where I was going and what I was doing. We talked briefly and she was alright with the idea by the time I left. Later she told me that she didn't worry about me and was a lot more calmer than the times I told her I was going out to meet a friend or just going out for a drink.... That tells me I've done the right thing....