Wednesday, 7 May 2014

The Pain of Loneliness

I'm lonely. Ever been hit with that painful emptiness deep inside your gut. That hole demanding to be filled making your skin crave the touch of the opposite sex? Ever need to be held so badly that it is the only thing you can think of? Everyone is lonely at times and after a divorce that loneliness and new found freedom can catapult us into destructive behaviours, or into the arms of toxic men / women.

I am currently reading Toxic Men, by Lillian Glass. It's an easy read and an eye opener in so many ways about why my marriage slipped off the rails. I brought out the worst in my ex and he in turn brought out the worst in me. I shut down and stopped trying, which only escalated our issues and lead to our separation. Now, I'm lonely and am making bad decisions when it comes to the world of online dating because I just want some attention.

The problem with trying to find that attention online is it's not real until you meet in the real world. Too many predators, scammers, hook up artists, and insincere babies will find you online when you are at your most vulnerable. Manipulators will tell you lies to gain information you willingly tell them, hoping it will draw them closer to you. Rules and boundaries you put up for yourself can be easily broken when you are desperate enough. Lines that should be cemented in the ground, become dust. Loneliness can lead us to make dangerous choices we wouldn't otherwise make.

What seems like innocent fun, a game, can become an obsession. What seems real is only a fantasy, which can feel more exciting than reality. What seems innocent can turn harmful to those you love. It can push them away and when they find out your secret, it can destroy them.

Loneliness is a stabbing pain of emptiness deep inside our gut, ripping through the body to pour out our eyes into a sea of regret. It is a dull ache behind our hearts that flows into empty arms that crave to hold another warm loving body. Loneliness can lead to depression, destruction, desperation, but it doesn't have to.

If you are busy with friends and making new friends, not dates online, you will be too busy to feel that pain. Still feel it? Start working on loving yourself, defining what you want out of life and creating a plan to go after it. Volunteer. Call a friend. Join a group. Take a class. Read non fiction. Find something that will occupy your mind and your body while helping you to grow as a person.

Try not to watch romantic movies or read romance novels. Hollywood's version of romance is flawed, it isn't love and if it hurts you, why bother? They are only stories, not real, only fantasy. Yes, fantasy can be a happier place to be, however you'll never find love in the real world if you don't live in it.

What do you do to stave off the loneliness?