Saturday, 28 June 2014

Lonely in a Crowd


Being single is lonely, however it does have it’s benefits. I haven’t gone on a vacation alone in twenty years. I just returned to the last place I travelled alone -- Montreal Quebec Canada. It is like I am starting over from that time in my life. 

Although, I am not able to handle the heat nearly as well as I used to and I am not able to walk as far as I could in the past, it is the great to be here. I stop when I want to rest, I go where I want to go, I do what I want to do, I eat when and where I want to, all without having to consider anyone else in my decisions. No one to push me to go further than I can physically handle, no one to question the price of something I want to do, ie museum admission. I do what moves me at the time. 

However, it can be extremely lonely as well. I’ve been spending time in huge crowds, be it at the Jazz Festival location or in the Old Montreal site. I know no one in the crowds. I do not know how to meet anyone for longer than a 5 minute conversation. I see couples holding hands, arms around each other, and even the odd one kiss. I watch as families with young children take in the ambiance and history. I notice wedding parties having their pictures taken and friends enjoying a meal together.... I feel alone in the world amongst the crowds.

In these crowds I can see examples of love, connectedness, and camaraderie.

A group of older people were looking for a place to sit at the Jazz Festival and I offered the women my spot, the husband was so grateful and insisted I sit with the women. I could see from the look on his face that his concern was solely for his wife and her sister. He was so happy that they had somewhere to rest. The love for them was obvious.  

While in a gallery I overheard a man telling the gallery owner how much his wife loves horses, why she loves them, which art would appeal to her and which would not. He understood his wife and her taste. He spoke with a tinge of pride in his voice and I couldn’t help but step up and tell him how impressed I was by it. His wife came from another part of the gallery and I mentioned how lucky she was to have a man who knew her so well and was proud to have her as his own. 

That’s what we all want after all. Someone who will know us, see us for who we are and love us anyway. A person who will put us first in their lives and hold us up as something special. We just want to be loved unconditionally. 

We want someone to hold our hand, give us a kiss, hold us when we feel sad and make everything feel better. Someone who will make life worth living.... 

I am currently watching a young beautiful Asian couple with two photographers taking photos of them being sweet to each other, kissing each other, looking at each other with love. In odd poses and fake smiles. OK this is completely staged and very weird. I enjoy taking photos of people in the moment, being real, being themselves. This photo shoot is kind of odd... people are obliviously walking into their shot and getting in the way of the couple and the photos.... Now they are walking away from me without touching and a wide space between them that wasn’t there before.... Like I said Faked....

Hollywood movie romance is like that -- fake.  The real thing is the man who knows his wife’s tastes. The young couple holding hands as they walk by oblivious to everything but each other. The family with young children taking pics of their vacation. We give up on the common every day love for the promise of hollywood’s love at first sight version too easily.  

I would love to meet someone. A man. A real man who would show me around his Montreal and make this trip extra special. The train I took to get here went right through Marc's town.... Not that it matters, he hasn't taken one second to read an email letting him know I'm here, if he had he probably would have a million excuses to not come meet me. That would be harder on me. I hate feeling rejected and tossed aside by him... A man I don't even know.... I shouldn't let whether he likes me or not effect my self esteem, but it does.